Nobody told you you were destined to be broke, broken out and out of work.
So here is my list of ten instead.
1. Wow, my college roommate really did clean the apartment a lot.
The fridge doesn’t empty itself out. The dishes don’t do themselves.
I had the college roommates who could tell me, whether they’d been home or not, where my keys, purse and coat were most likely to be at all times. Ryan asked me recently why there was a Blistex in my pillowcase and my logical answer was to say, “Oh, I put it there on purpose.”
Because really, you don’t want your boyfriend to think you’re messy, but suggesting your lips dry out easily at night is so attractive.
2. Just because your mind runs all day doesn’t mean your legs do.
You should probably take a walk around the block before you have to take a walk around the mall.
3. You’re never too old or too informed to start rooting for a pretty bad baseball team.
Ask me what my favorite Mets player is. Do it. I have an answer to that question now. And a reason why.
4. Drinking a beer while watching Wife Swap by yourself isn’t the most glamorous way to spend an evening, but sometimes its exactly what you need after hours.
Really. I’m doing it. Right now.
5. Fun things like laser tag, bowling and amusement parks are not only fun but f*ing expensive.
“We played two rounds of laser tag – you know, one each – We took turns. And got a pizza. Slice.
We made sure to take a lot of pictures since this is all we can afford for awhile.”
6. Timing has a way of being funny and stressful. Just for kicks.
Today: Gas light on? No big deal. Gas meter showing no possible way to be lower? No big deal.
There’s definitely a gas station two miles away on the way to work. Cruise right in.
There are orange emergency cones in front of every pump?
You don’t say. Well, then fingers crossed. Hope you know what to do when you run out. Tip: It’s probably not call your dad.
7. Some things never change.
I will always be most uncomfortable socially with females my age. Meet the Mayor? Sure. Your grandma? Sure. The boss? Sure. That stranger in the supermarket? Ok.
But if you are a female between -2 and +2 years of my age, I’m probably going to be awkward and stutter.
8. You can tell a lot about a new friend by the way they interact with their old friends.
Unlike college, when everything is new for everybody, a big part of post-college life is showing up with suitcases in new towns for new jobs in an environment full of slightly more stable people with existing lives and relationships. And finding a seat at the table for you.
It ain’t always easy, but its worth it. I don’t find it a coincidence the boy is on a trip to a land with no cell service and his best friend just texted me to see how my week is going.
9. Nobody will tell me I *have* to find an illustrator for my children’s books.
No one will enforce deadlines for things on your bucket list. Except that deadline of when you die, because it is, after all, your bucket list.
No one is making me get an illustrator so I maybe get published.
No one is telling me I have to jump out of a plane tomorrow so I can say I went sky-diving.
My computer IS telling me my computer is about to die. Nobody is enforcing whether or not I plug the computer in before this posts.
It’s up to me.
10. Top 10 Lists have 10 things to make them legitimate.
Really, the writer lost steam somewhere around 7 when the woman on Wife Swap reminded him or her how he or she really misses when overalls were acceptable to wear daily. Especially the hot weather overalls that were shorts.
Also that he or she (definitely I) is not as concerned about the apocalypse as maybe he or she (definitely I) should be.
Coming soon, the 10 Things I Learned About Myself While Watching Wife Swap, starting with:
#1 I, with a side order of fate, will pick my husband. I will never pick his wardrobe.