Blogs are funny. Even when I write up my life as honestly and truthfully as possible, you know there has to be some editing – or, at least, minor touching up. I generally leave out the times I’m that person shoving Taco Bell in my face at the red light.
Most of it makes the blog, because I’ve been told to keep writing the stories. Even if these important people telling me to write it have to deal with being the main characters in recaps, thoughts, what ifs.
This time last year, the writing was entirely about graduation. Not the December 2010 one that technically got me the diploma in the mail. The ceremonial May one that included walking in heels in front of a couple thousand people and sell everything stuff I wasn’t moving to the real world with me.
I spent a good part of tonight reading my blogs from back then and they made me smile. And laugh a few times. I wouldn’t share them all – a lot of it was really angsty whining about being afraid of what was happening next. The definition of panic. But every once in awhile, it was also hopeful and excited.
You can’t predict the future. But you can obsess about it in multiple extensive blogs and then go back a year later to see if you stressed about everything for nothing.
Now wondering what You’ve Got Nae will look like in 2013. Hmm…
April 5, 2011: More Than Fine
You find yourself in college, they tell you. You go through four years of exploration, trial and error, experimenting and changing. Phases will come and go, and you figure out who you are.
More or less. Yes and no. Maybe sorta.
Sure, I went through phases. In fact, I’m pretty confident I maxed out the number of phases you can go through in four years. Where I’ve most recently landed, gotten comfortable, is just the latest phase. It’s like getting your ship legs or subway legs… Something else comes along. Soon enough, something else moves you.
I came to college madly in love with someone. Then fiercely independent. Then the period of self-inflicted loneliness.
And now, in love again. With friends. With life. With the people that make me laugh until I cry every single day. With the people that teach me about the world, and those who, intentionally or not, interested in doing it or not, teach me about myself. In love with the thought of getting lost on a train in a foreign country and needing to mime for directions. In love with brainstorming book ideas. In love with dressing up as a purple person if it raises awareness and gets us $1 closer to curing cancer.
In love with being. Being alive. Being here, now. Being a super beginner yet not pathetic guitar player. Being terrified of the future but excited for what’s next.
Being completely unaware of big things to come.
May 1, 2011: 16 Days
…But as nervous and panicky as I am… I’m getting really excited to get out of Syracuse.
I’m thrilled to go home for 10 days.
I can’t wait for my summer internship.
I’m thrilled to go home for 10 days (repeated).
I’m ecstatic to spend 7 days in Barcelona and Madrid, Spain with Dad.
I’m absolutely terrified/anxious/excited beyond belief to spend 3 and a half months backpacking Europe. 113 nights booked in hostels.
It’s too much to think about.
I’m excited to get out and find a new job I love.
I’m ready to meet new people.
Because, even when I’m meeting people in these last three weeks and feeling a bit “it’s almost too late, but GOSH they’re great,” I love that spark of finding a new buddy.
Someone to laugh with.
Some new gal to eat popcorn and watch 30 Rock with, read magazines with.
Some guy to chat with over coffee.
Some girl to tell me my outfit does (or does not) work.
Some guy who hits you as, hey… that could be great.
So many new people to know.
Grown-up life is going to be great.
May 14, 2011: The Craigslist Light Bulb
There are a lot of people on this planet.
Ten days from graduation, I am about to enter a very big, very populated world. I will no longer be a medium/large-fish in the small Syracuse pond of active student leaders/community service kids/dean’s list scholars/Marshall Street frequenters.
I will be small. Very, very small. In the middle of Eastern Europe, alone, surrounded by plenty of “alternative” post-grad planners such as myself.
Identity crisis. Most of my friends are graduating knowing what they want to do with their lives. I still don’t know what job keywords to enter in the search field. I don’t know who I am supposed to be talking to or networking with…
I know my first, second, third… hell probably any job… isn’t going to save the world. Heck, I can pour ten months into a massive cancer fundraiser and my own family and friends continue to light up without thinking twice.
What does this have to do with Craigslist. I had a lot of good furniture left with me when my parents moved to California. A massive armoire and matching tables. Two giant white cushy chairs. A Pottery Barn coffee table. My iron bed frame.
Listing them on Craigslist, I realized hundreds of items get listed everyday. My listings are immediately trumped by similar items priced lower, or bigger, or newer. I expected furniture selling to take weeks, if I were lucky at all.
Yet, in under three days, my coffee table is gone. My couches are being picked up Friday. My armoire set has three bidders. And the iron bed has been asked about.
The furniture didn’t get lost in the listings. Maybe I won’t get lost in the crowd.