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At Your Request: Cookin’ With Q’s Blackened Chicken Alfredo Recipe

Tonight’s post comes straight from the chef, with only the slightest of copy-editing by me in case this gets picked up by Martha Stewart or Rachael Ray. Fingers crossed.

– Pound the chicken thin.

– 1/3 cup worchester sauce, 1/2 cup olive oil, 1 tbsp each: onion powder/garlic powder/paprika/crushed red pepper/ground thyme/oregano/terragon/salt, 1/4 tspn black pepper: Mix all that goop in a big ‘ol freezer bag.

– Put the chicken in the bag with the marinade in the fridge. Close the door. Forget about it for a few hours. But, periodically, it’d do well to flip the bag over. So maybe forgetting it would be bad advice. What I’m saying is don’t forget it, but don’t make it the focus of your day either. You need to live, man – don’t stand there staring at the chicken. It should soak up that crazy shiz for at least 2-3 hours.

– Don’t take 2-3 hours to keep reading what I’m writing here, though. Let’s prepare!! Let’s start the sauce. You know, for the pasta.

– Take 3 tbsp’s of butter and 2 tbsps of olive oil. Dump ‘em in a pot on the oven. Make sure you take off the lid first. Otherwise that’s a big damn mess. Melt it over a heat source (not a bonfire).

– Take 2 cloves of garlic. “Mince” the garlic. Not sure what that means? Just chop it up like a ****ing madman. Think Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Or Jaws in Jaws 4. Itty bitty pieces of garlic. Toss it in a measuring cup where you’ve already poured 2 cups of heavy cream. In addtion to that, you need WHITE PEPPER. Can you believe that even exists??? 1/2 tspn of that tossed in there, too. When the butter is done melting, you toss the cream/mince/WP mix in with it (by the way, want a killer rush? lick your finger and taste the white pepper).

– Stir that sauce until it starts to simmer. Not obsessively, but you know– don’t let it burn. That tastes nasty. Like a Pop-Tart and ketchup.

– Here you’re going to need a 1/2 cup of ground parm cheese. Don’t buy that canned crap, either – cheese is worth splurging on. Stay away from Velveeta for your own sake, but mostly your digestive tract. Anyway – when the sauce is simmering, add that parm!! Keep stirring. Don’t lose track of it now! YOU’RE SO CLOSE!!!!!

– When the sauce starts to thicken IE bubble up in a weird size-increasing way, add 1/3-1/2 cup of fresh mozz. Follow my pre-set good cheese only rule, FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. But mostly so the final product is edible. Here you need to keep stirring, almost continually, as the sauce thickens. Not milkshake consistancy, but, you know – more than just milk.

– I hope at this point you’ve been cooking your chicken (remember that stuff you’ve been obsessing over all day?).

– As the chicken simmers, the marinade will coagulate (look it up) on the face of the skillet, or whatever you’re cooking it on (not a bonfire). Try to only flip it twice to each side, as the marinade will coagulate on the chicken itself, though spooning it off and onto the chicken makes it taste like something you like to taste.

– Anywhew, you’re going to need pasta to go under your sauce and chicken. Makes sense. I used linguine– but whatever you want, I mean– YOU’RE the one eating it, so if it floats yer boat, it must be made of pizza pie, my grandpa always said. He was nuts.

– Word of advice: When boiling the pasta, add a spoon of salt to the water prior to the boiling. It’ll add great flavor to your pasta (esp if you’re using gross wheat pasta– sorry if you are). Is the pasta done boiling? Is your chicken done basting? Your sauce– is it ready, too???? OH MY GOD IT SMELLS SO GOOD IN HERE!

– Alright, wash off your fresh cooked pasta in your collander under hot water to get rid of extra starch, let it drain a second or two, pop a big handful of it into a bowl with as much sauce as it takes to smother it all. Put in on the plate you have chosen, slice the chicken into strips, place the chicken on the pasta. Grate parm all over the top of that bad boy. Make it look like an absent minded teenager with a killer case of dandruff and extreme need for Head and Shoulders. Or a mountain top with snow and stuff. I dunno, whatever’s poetic for you.

– Need a little more frill? Warm up a cheap loaf of Italian bread. Doesn’t matter. Hannaford, Wegman’s, Wal-Mart, etc. Just thicken the crust up and hot bread is the bomb, plus you need something to clean the plate up with when you’re done eating it all.

S’alright? S’alright.

Tonight’s edition of Cookin’ With Q brought to you by a girl still stuffed from last night’s dinner. Check out next week’s recipe – will it be fajitas? Stuffed mushrooms? Only time will tell. Thanks for tuning in. 
Someday, we’ll be total nerds and make a cooking vlog. Until then, Linus and Lucy as end credits.

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